Here's one for the hall of shame.
"Experimental Black Metal / Drone from the Pacific Northwest"
There are four components to this:
-Black metal: Crappy bedroom black metal where the reverb's presence exceeds the original recording.
-Experimental: Only marginally capable of playing fragments of music. Ticking drum machine, no semblance of composition.
-Drone: Synth/feedback/noise filler triples the running time.
-From the Pacific Northwest, which I guess has a lot more prestige than saying you're from Portland.
This looks like a middle school art project. Is that really how you want to present your music? I suppose this looks like what the music sounds like, but I'd rather not have that experience enhanced. I can practically smell the construction paper, Elmer's glue, and Play-Doh while listening to this.
...is that a greeting card?
I always thought limited edition splatter vinyls were a lame gimmick, but a limited edition black splatter CD-R? That's so bad that it's funny.
"We put together these kits in our kitchen."
I can tell.
"We wrote and recorded this EP in our Southeast Portland apartment."
It sounds like it. There are actually two funny pieces of fluff here. Their BandCamp profile cites their location as the Pacific Northwest, and now they have to specify which part of Portland they're from. It was recorded in an apartment, like you couldn't tell, but that sounds a bit nicer than the typical asphorism of "bedroom black metal."
The release is "sold out" so I guess you won't be able to get your very own thank you note in sloppy cursive on a hand-ripped piece of notebook paper. I'll include the link to the BandCamp page even though it is hand-written in the picture below!