Monday, March 31, 2014
Hades Archer - Penis Metal
Prepare your holes! Penis Metal will enter you hard and rough like a strongman named Ricardo whose entire knowledge of making love is informed by skipping ahead in porno movies and watching degradation videos. Much like Ricardo's angry and fast approach to woman parts, Hades Archer's approach to black metal is about as full on as you can wrap your lips around. I think the overall attempt was to create a purely masculine record that no females would want to go near and that only the taughtest of men would appreciate for it's bestial(ity) and hard-on-inducing rage. Even hardened and veteran lionesses will not find any comfort here. Any girl less than Wendy-o-Williams on acid and speed would melt in front of Penis Metal. Get on your knees and suck off the dripping goo that graces the slithering length of this disc because there is nothing here that you can argue with.
Hades Archer are not interested in maturity, songmanship - though it comes through anyway - or appeal. evidenced from the first moments of opening track "The Stretch" is a bombardment of thrusts and pelvic blasphemy aimed at creating a swirling mass of harshness. Bestial Warlust would be so proud of this it would make K.K. Warslut's eyelids get glued closed behind tears and salty crust. The uncompromising rape of this record is so great that it would impress a jury of sexually assaulted soccer moms to the point that they would require rape victims to go through Penis Metal rehabilitation. The immediacy of third track "Dignitas" and the sarcastically paced contrast of "Objeto" is a genius move. With the pacing so punctual and immediate, and with the speed and brevity of Penis Metal forcing awareness before the whole thing falls apart, I would use Penis Metal as an example by which I would measure other contemporary penis metal records to.
Rounding out Penis Metal is a Sodom cover of Pretenders to the Throne. It doesn't really fit and I would much rather have had my asshole filled with the juices of more short and stubby Chilean penis metal tracks. This isn't the most original thing for sure but the whole appeal here is in Hades Archer's obvious appreciation for understanding that these kind of releases are going to go into the collection of some messed up sociopath from Belgium and get played on repeat by unsavory South Americans as they wash the blood from their ball hair. They also end up on the playlists of guys from New Jersey that just love this gritty, no-holds-barred approach to black metal. Penis Metal will coax you to your knees and make you open wide.