Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Progtronic - Mortis Metallum

The extreme end of technical death metal is a masturbation contest, and this guy just won the masturbation contest. It's so technical, it's so hard, you deserve a fucking medal for being hard! Take every bit of commentary in the mid-00s wank-deaf scene and pile it on here, because this album is nothing but a war cry for prog-loser bukkake. It's got everything from completley over-the-top, inane shredding to drumming that sounds like a seizure. The unnaturally jerky, spastic wanking on all instruments is extremely tasteless and nonstop. The drum tones are the most obnoxiously clicky drum samples I've ever heard. The worst part are the nu-metal rhythm guitar tones, complete with some technical nu-metal bro-downs that should make fans of Periphery take note. It's completely tasteless, completely directionless, and conceptually meaningless. It's so bad that it makes me see redeeming value in Soulfly's "Jumpdafuckup."

This one man-band is a machine! All of those years at Berklee, those eight-hour days of practice, the long hours in a rehearsal room just to slide your hands up and down the neck of a guitar as quickly as possible. A decade behind a drum kit doing your best impression of Shiva on PCP and LSD. A pathetic and pitiful waste of talent that would be, to make complete garbage with that skill set. Fortunately, there's no talent being wasted here as it's all synthesized, the most glorified MIDI bullshit you've heard since Wintersun's last album. If a semen stain were a shotgun blast on sheet music, this is what it would look and sound like. In fact, that's probably how this was conceived. Should've been tossed in the trash can and disposed of with shame.

This album lowered the bar. Lower your bar, you fucking wanker, this is garbage.


No comments: