Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Klimt 1918 - Just In Case We'll Never Meet Again

By: StryckenFromHistory

Ye be warned: this album is NOT metal. Fuck, its not even remotely worth listening to, not because it isn't part of the best genre of music ever (heavy metal), but because the music is so incredibly lifeless and gay that it instantly causes anyone who listens to it to grow breasts and start bleeding once a month. Honestly folks, how anyone could consider this even mediocre (nevermind good) is beyond me. It's the wet dream of melancholic, hormone fueled teenagers with too much time to devote to their own pathetic fantasies. It's that fucking bad. Music usually doesn't bother me much. Hell, that Krallice album didn't even cause me to become this angry, but this has pushed me to the edge. I mean, just fucking look at the REAL album title: "Just in Case We'll Never Meet Again (Soundtrack for the Cassette Generation)".

This album is just too fucking long for the amount of ideas contained within. I would think I was halfway through a song when it was only just past the first twenty seconds. Everything drags. Even worse than the lack of ideas is the ideas that are actually present. Each song consists of a melancholic yet hopeful melody. That's it. Lyrically and atmospherically, it revolves around the themes of hope, loss, and love, but the execution results in everything just sounding vapid. Before I can even proceed with this review, I must show you an example of the heartfelt lyrical genius that Colonel Klink 1918 managed to produce.

"Feel the pain, pay the price.
I was the one who loved you the most.
Every day, and then, every night.
With you.
And you got so much faith, and then, so much life.
You make it hurt so good.
I'll stay until the end.
I've never asked you for much."


"This is you on your first day of school
when you were too young to understand"

I can't make that shit up folks. I wish I could...but I can't. The sad truth is that Cunnilingus 1918 is just really gay. This isn't emotional, thought provoking, melancholic, nor heartfelt. Yeah, the band is from Italy and for some unfathomable reason was on Metal-Archives, so what! I can hear this shit if I turn my television on at 5AM and throw on MTV. There's no difference at all. It's terrible drivel.

All of the riffs are either post rock oriented or reminiscent of emo music. Clitoris 1918 (mis)calculated each riff with the intent to induce feelings of melancholy, introspection, and loss. What we get is not that, but rather an amalgamation of riffs that sound incredibly disingenuous, fragile, and limp wristed. The tone sounds, for lack of a better word, precious. The bass does nothing noteworthy at all, but it isn't offensive either. To be frank, I don't remember it really. The drums follow suit, doing nothing spectacular and nothing offensive, just existing. The production is as clean and clear as any pop album these days.

I'm surprised I managed to listen to this. No, it is not metal at all, but let this be clear: I did not take points off for that reason. I simply judged it accordingly and this Kermit 1918 album is one of the most offensive, queer, and vapid albums that I have ever heard.

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