Stench - Primitive, Vulgar and Armed

This one could have gone either way. I could have give Stench's Primitive, Vulgar and Armed the same kind of review that MSNBC would give to Rick Santorum's brain. My entire review would be a condemnation of something so idiotic and immature that only Anal Cunt fans and readers of The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds would be likely to find any of it either humorous or "badass." On the other hand, I could also go the exact opposite and give it the kind of coverage that Mark Levin would give Newt Gingrich should he be nominated the GOP presidential candidate. That review would read something like me explaining how for once someone found a way to inbue some subtle and misguided humor and parody into a demo without it coming across as tedious or weighted down. I would wager that the disc would get these sorts of reviews; no stars or five stars, 100% or -45%.

In reality I have no idea what I would rate this. Tracks like Quickdraw are the perfect blend of "what the hell was that?" and "what did he just say?" and then there are tracks like Troops of Obliteration which pass by unnoticed. The most memorable parts of the disc are clearly the lyrics. Take for instance two sets of lyrics from the aforementioned Quickdraw: "You can see your reflection in a toilet that won't flush," or the always imaginative: "He possesses hairy nuts and the devils own right hand." Elsewhere on the disc the imagery remains similar, with lyrics revolving around crushing things, killing people, raping, feces, more feces, and more killing stuff. The genius of the lyrics is that they are audible and clear. You can literally hear each line, more idiotic and demented than the one before it and presented with the bravado and indifference of a drunken hobo. This works really well in songs such as "Dark Moses," and the always philosophical final track, "Cunt Punt."

Musically, the album retains the riffing styles of sub-par thrash but performed relatively well compared to what you would expect from a trio of individuals that probably recorded this whole demo in the span of about 4 hours and rehearsed the whole thing in even less time. The drums are programmed across the album but I honestly never found them bothersome because, well, I rarely cared what they sounded like. I was too busy trying to put a picture to lyrics in the shortest song on the album, Intergalactic Barbarians. Imagining "Putrid like ass" individuals "flying their ships like Satan's Disease..." could almost be a thought exercise in some college psychology class. Across the album though, the band show some interesting musical styles, with Lingering Demon taking cues from ZZ Top and Steppenwolf and Quickdraw containing an intro with a decisively western feel. The band also utilizes some samples across the album, usually pretty humorously.

For most I could only imagine the listener trying to imagine the men behind this release: Al, Randy, Earl and someone called Uncle Jarek - probably a name included for craps and giggles and not an actual person. Unfortunately, I already know the men behind this project. And all I can say is that Stench is truly the perfect musical representation of main man Al's fecal obsessed drunken indecency. For me, the lyrics are more hilarious because they actually sound less like something dreamed up for a song and more like a conversation I had with the guy two weeks ago at the local bar. When Al proclaims that "Satan's gonna get ya, take his shit into your house and on fire set ya... Satan's gonna eat your dog, Satan's gonna hurl," I almost remember those words last time we hung out. In all honesty, it's pretty stupid but rarely have I heard something that was such an honest interpretation of someone's real life personality in music.

Most people will hate this and throw the disc in the garbage immediately after turning it on but someone who doesn't take metal too seriously will probably find some enjoyment in the lyrics and blatant outlandishness of the whole thing.